#ecommerce THE V SPOT – JULY 24 to AUGUST 1 EDITION “Where buzzwords go to die and commerce gets cancelled weekly.” Welcome back to The V Spot, your home for the ecomm nearly news. Or for people who think Q3 goals are a polite hallucination.
UPS this week stayed on fleek. They delivered earnings and said that they would be fumbling round like a blind person for the rest of the year. No guidance or shits given. The weekly news cycle was basically an Etsy mood board of nonsense. Klarna launched a “creativity engine” powered by AI. Great, Just what we all needed was payment plans and poetry. Shopify introduced new automation features just in time for brands to forget how to write subject lines.
Amazon’s rural expansion continues like a rom-com subplot and their earnings suggest they could land some A listers in the cast, TikTok’s shopping rollout is quietly crawling toward respectability, and Salesforce thinks its ecommerce suite is now “headless but emotional.”
So while CEOs talk about “customer intimacy” and your retention rate ghosted you like a Hinge match, let’s pivot to a new segment...
🚪 Room 101: Where We Banish Retail’s Worst Offenders
If you say it in a pitch deck, and it makes us gag it’s going in.
📰 Headlines Being Fired Into the Sun
“Is Gen Z Killing [Insert Industry]?”
They’re not. They’re just broke and trying to afford iced coffee.
“Retail Apocalypse?”
If the store’s been "closing down" since 2014, it’s just marketing now.
“AI Is Coming for Your Job”
The only thing AI replaced last week was your blog intern.
“DTC Darling Disrupts Legacy Giant”
Translation: They raised $20M to sell unprofitable razors in pastel boxes.
“This One Weird Trick Retailers Don’t Want You To Know”
If your growth hack sounds like a 2006 pop-up ad, please unplug your modem.
🧨 Buzzwords We’re Yeeting into the Mariana Trench
“Phygital”
Still sounds like a disease. Always has.
“Omnichannel Synergy”
A term used minutes before a layoff email hits the inbox.
“Unprecedented Times”
This has been going on since 2020. At this point, it’s extremely precedented.
“Disruptor to the Disruptors”
Congratulations. You made a worse version of something that didn’t work.
“Retailtainment”
Unless there’s a trapeze artist in your POS system, stop. Please stop.
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So there you have it, Entertainment platform Klarna wants to be your creative director, we survived another week of buzzwords, bad headlines, and acronyms with no context.
Commerce isn’t dead. It’s just gaslighting us with “customer delight” and a seven-step checkout.
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